Category: Lived Experience

It’s kind of crazy for me to consider how my life, thoughts and feelings have changed since the inception of this blog. I’ve stopped and started multiple times; motivation so often just out of reach. This medium will no longer be an outlet for my frustrations and the petulant self-absorbed musings. In fact, many of my previous posts have been hidden from public viewing. The surviving few are the true reflection of the intentions I had originally set for myself. I don’t even recognize the woman who wrote such nonsensical, trivial diatribes. My goal is to inform, question and hopefully bring about the change that is so desperately needed within the recovery community. Now that I consider myself to be in true remission, my position is clearer than before and I know that I will finally achieve this. I feel an intense connection to the person I had hoped to be, along with this renewed drive to do something meaningful with my life. I lost touch with that for quite a while in my quest to seem like a ‘cool, blog girl.’ I’ve never put the idea of being this way above my own beliefs and who I truly am as a person. It’s not in my nature to strive for acceptance; I’d rather raise hell and topple the societal norms. I need to stop caring whether people will like me and start using my intellect in the way I feel I’m supposed to. That is where true change happens and I’m so excited that I can’t sleep. This. This is the moment I’ll always come back to when I question myself or have feelings of inadequacy. There is so much meaning in my experience and I’m bloody going to ensure that I find it.

…over a decade of talk therapy and I was still no closer to recovery. That never felt like control to me.

Disclaimer Time

I know it’s frustrating that as a society we seem only to acknowledge Anorexia Nervosa (AN). It’s annoying as hell even to someone who has received it as a diagnosis.  I am in the process of continuing my research regarding other Eating Disorders. I believe ‘Atypical Anorexia’ and AN to be one and the same in that symptoms are more significant than body weight. Please be patient, as I aim to include only what I am familiar with at any given moment. For those of you who have engaged in any kind of restriction, this blog post is primarily for you. There is a more comprehensive article underway where I will feature multiple eating disorders.

Regardless of where you fall on the spectrum, I believe that this is something everyone can benefit from reading. Apologies if it reads too much like a dissertation, I spent so much time researching this that my personality got bored and nodded off at times. In writing this post, I gleaned notes from several different research papers before arriving at an impasse. When the contents exceeded several pages, I realised that I would need to approach this differently. I’ve decided to link all relevant sources instead of including all quotes from the papers. A summation for non-science folk, if you will.

Finally, please know that my intent isn’t to undermine the experience of anyone who may already subscribe to this theory. I am merely suggesting an alternative explanation that is consistent with the integration of a Darwinian framework along with the studied effects of malnutrition. Through research and personal experience, it has become apparent to me that the traditional Psychoanalytical theory of Eating Disorders (ED), along with the heavily endorsed ‘control ’ ideology are both riddled with inaccurate nuances. Although this particular therapeutic model has been passed on, resonating within the recovery community, it doesn’t adequately explain why the distinct symptoms of an ED develop.

This concept offers no acknowledgement of the unique biological forces that exist in opposition to recovery efforts. While trauma, environmental influences, or a poor self-image may be a contributing factor to the onset of a diet or restrictive eating habits, it is not the process through which the illness primarily operates. Many symptoms are a direct result of malnutrition, the archaic instinct as a species to migrate when famine is imminent and supportive reward systems within the brain.

Theoretical Origins

In the 1970s, Hilde Bruch, a respected psychoanalytic theorist of AN, proposed that food refusal represents a struggle for psychological autonomy and control. Her work tended to cast blame on the family dynamic, a system within which patients were supposedly ‘engaged in a desperate fight against feeling enslaved and exploited by their mothers’.

It’s worth noting that this theory regarding families has since been disproven, yet the ‘control’ element has endured. Bruch’s hypotheses provided the framework for future psychodynamic work that later empirical research did not substantiate. Further research has suggested that disturbed eating cannot be dismissed as a mere reflection of underlying psychodynamic turmoil. To her credit, Bruch did bring about a more compassionate stance regarding the illness and was known to chastise any professional who approached patients in a negative manner.

Bruch’s speculation seems to have permeated the work of social theorists in a vain attempt to explain why women and girls are more vulnerable to developing AN. In 1986, Susie Orbach wrote; ‘in controlling her food so very stringently she caricatures the message beamed at all women’. She then goes on to claim that the  ‘western patriarchal culture offers girls few outlets for autonomy, self-starvation becomes part of their struggle for liberation.’ Once again, we’re met with the same limitations as psychological theories in that they fail to account for the occurrence of symptoms in men, animals and throughout history.

Alternate Evidence

The distinct symptoms of restrictive Eating Disorders, namely AN, pre-date the study of psychology. For our nomadic ancestors, the ability to forsake hunger while in search of a more abundant environment was a crucial element in their ability to survive during famines. Distorted body image was actually part of this survival mechanism, whereby if one couldn’t perceive starvation induced emaciation, the stress of that could be largely overlooked. Several species of animals have demonstrated similar behaviour in tandem with the ability to ignore their base instincts in favour of migrating. These animals will not typically ‘eat and run’ if the search for food interfered with migration. While observing starved laboratory rats and lean-bred pigs with Wasting Pig Syndrome, researchers noted a consistent refusal of food and hyperactive behaviour.

There are multiple accounts of pious women fasting and later developing what is colloquially referred to as ‘Holy Anorexia.’ Diaries and firsthand accounts show that these women manifested typical AN symptoms of aversion to food, over activity and denial of starvation. In the case of modern Anorectic patients, fear of weight gain was not recorded in a therapeutic setting until the 1930s.

The increased incidents of Eating Disorders in response to societal pressure speaks to a society immersed in superficiality. Put simply, women and girls are taught that obtaining thinness is desirable, leading to an increase in dieting behaviour. This will inadvertently signal an activation of this maladaptive response. While psychological/societal factors may influence an individual in their decision to diet, the symptoms are more consistent with the behaviours observed in our foraging ancestors, starving saints and various models in animal behaviour.    

Starvation

The Minnesota Starvation Experiment is rarely brought up when referring to AN. It is the most comprehensive study of starvation with human subjects that we can refer to and has lent so much information in the realm of ED research. Knowledge that is almost ignored by supposed professionals, to varying degrees. The experiment was initially conducted as a means of determining a viable process of refeeding war-torn populations exposed to famine. Inadvertently, what also followed was further discourse over the effects of malnutrition and the parallels to AN.

Various symptoms in either instance are typically resolved when the brain is no longer under the influence of starvation. Bear in mind, these were perfectly healthy men who participated in this experiment and they found themselves completely obsessed by food and engaging in very strange behaviours. The only difference being that they were able to actively participate in the refeeding process, unencumbered by the biological influence of AN.

Addressing underlying trauma and related emotional distress may be necessary long term. In my experience, it seems pointless to attempt doing so when our cognition isn’t at full capacity. We’re still reactionary due to constant hangriness and talking does not solve this. Professionals seem unaware of the fact that malnourished individuals are highly suggestable and at times easier to dominate. The likes of Mussolini, Hitler and various other dictators throughout history used starvation as a political weapon. They would cripple entire populations simply by cutting off their food supply. Now, that is one aspect of control I am willing to acknowledge.

The Trap

Let me be clear; I believe that many of us are mere victims of an almost pathological desire to psychoanalyse everything. My own experience culminated in over a decade of talk therapy and I was still no closer to recovery. That never felt like control to me. Over the years, I’ve heard many similar accounts from other sufferers and it’s nothing short of infuriating. We’ve been fed this narrative by professionals and even from within our recovery community, yet many of us continue to fail in achieving full recovery. A recent informal survey I conducted across various support groups revealed that no one could definitively describe a feeling of ‘control’ and how it took place in their experience with the illness.

Many recounted what I believe is the reward we receive from engaging in certain behaviours, not a feeling of ‘control’ that is distinct and tangible. I asked several to extrapolate on this and explain how they came to this conclusion. It was really disheartening when several of them went on to relay elaborate psychoanalytic explanations that have likely been suggested to them. None of them seemed to have come to the conclusion without relying on an external influence. A separate poll revealed several others to have experienced a caloric deficit at some stage, yet no one I spoke to had made the connection and it seems to remain largely unexplored in a therapeutic setting.

But why refer to it as a ‘trap’? Well, if we were to view our ED as a complex survival mechanism, why would our brain cooperate with the notion of surrendering something it believes is keeping us alive? This illness evolves with the times and social environment in order to stay relevant to the experience of the individual sufferer. We’re emotionally driven mammals and that information is cognitively exploited in order to keep us in this disease. It is but another smokescreen created by our brain in order to keep us trapped in this illness; a deranged safety protocol. If we’re consistently distracted by a false construct as it pertains to this illness, how likely are we to simultaneously explore the idea of nutritional rehabilitation? I try not to ‘humanise’ my ED or refer to it as some kind of entity these days. If I were to use that as an example, that bitch will say and do anything to keep us in her clutches. The prehistoric brain tricks us into staying ill.

The Reward

So, I mentioned that our brain rewards us when we engage in certain behaviours. Within the ED community, I’ve observed countless references made in regards to feelings of ‘euphoria’ as they relate to the practice of certain compulsions. In 1996, Cecilia Bergh and Per Sodersten found that a reward mechanism was triggered in response to stress-inducing behaviour.

Corticotropin Release Hormone (CRH) is responsible for this rush of pleasure and is observed in higher amounts in individuals with AN or those who heavily restricted their food. Levels of CRH return to normal upon weight restoration. The stress of overexercise, restriction, purging and other compensatory behaviours are initially self-rewarding and conditioned over time. Similar to self-harm, these actions are perceived by the brain incorrectly and are pursued in order to attain a pleasurable sensation. This is largely what I believe is confused as ‘the feeling of control.’

Final Thoughts

Moving away from the long-held belief that my illness was purely psychological and about ‘control’ ended up being the catalyst for positive change in my recovery efforts. I’m not what I would consider 100% recovered and there have been some slips along the way. However, I noticed a decrease in symptoms I had previously attributed to trauma and poor self-image.

The idea that this is an archaic adaptation to starvation has resonated with me more than any psychoanalytical model ever has. If you take one thing from this, be it that you might begin exploring the theory further. Should you still believe that control is at the core of this, I’d love to hear of any relevant methods you have used to remedy this and achieve full recovery as a result (nutritional rehabilitation not withstanding).

I truly believe that this therapeutic approach is failing all of us and overall, the scientific evidence appears to support an alternative theory.

References

This link will direct you to the first page of Shan Guisinger’s findings and I greatly respect her overall opinion. The article where the information originated can be found under ‘Articles and Essays’ and is titled ‘Adapted to Flee Famine: Adding an Evolutionary Perspective on Anorexia Nervosa’.

Adapted to Flee Famine

Remembering Ancel Keys and The Minnesota Starvation Experiment

Anorexia, Self-Starvation and The Reward of Stress

Dysregulation of Brain Reward Systems in Eating Disorders

It’s taken me a while to weigh in on everything that has gone on in the last few weeks. The knowledge that I pretty much tick every box regarding privilege was a little disempowering. White privilege, thin privilege, pretty privilege, straight/cis privilege. Given that I also possess zero influence, I felt as though I had no right to contribute to the conversation. I was afraid of saying the wrong thing or seeming ignorant. I’ve sat back and watched everything play out, sought out relevant resources and done my best to listen without judgement. Ultimately, I’ve decided to speak out about the discrimination that has an impact within my own community.

Now, one might assume that exclusion within the ED realm isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Sufferers tend to form a love-hate relationship with their illness. Where’s the harm in not being ‘part of the club’? Well, given that EDs can potentially result in death, lack of treatment options for persons of colour is another proverbial nail in the coffin. I have heard this affliction referred to as a ‘white girl disease’ by laypersons and supposed professionals alike. NEDA has a handy infographic regarding this and the statistics are staggering. Clinicians are some of the worst offenders in this regard. Despite being presented with identical case studies demonstrating disordered eating symptoms in white, Black and Hispanic women, only 17% of them identified the Black subjects as having problematic eating patterns. 44% of them determined that the SAME behaviour in white women was disordered.

This misconception is pervasive across media representations of EDs. Apart from BINGE: The Series, To The Bone, The Road Within and the short-lived TV series STARVED, dramatized accounts lack the representation of other ethnicities struggling with this illness. Having personally read multiple first hand accounts in the form of memoirs, even I’ve noticed this gaping hole in diversity. I’ve read one book authored by a black woman and haven’t come across another. In 2006, I vividly remember a black YouTuber describing her extreme eating behaviour. She went on to assert that her doctor told her she couldn’t have an eating disorder because she wasn’t white. How many persons of colour are cast aside in this manner? This is another form of prejudice they have to contend with in a world of bigotry.

The articles I have included links for only support this long-held belief. An enduring theme within these articles indictates a misinterpretation of the ‘strong black woman’ stereotype. The overall perception of this by professionals lends credence to the concept that people of colour aren’t susceptible to developing EDs. Compounded with a mistrust for medical professionals and in some circumstances, lack of resources, it’s not surprising that the statistics have been skewed. What is less helpful is the undeniable fact that ED research has centred on white women. The abscence of such objectiveness only fuels my desire to encourage a paradigm shift. We cannot allow the whitewashing of this illness to continue.

We owe it to the Black community to change our attitudes.

NEDA Infographic:

Articles:

Anorexia and Bulimia are Black Women’s Diseases, Too – Erica Hawkins

Why Black Women are Silently Struggling with Eating Disorders – Brooklyn White

What Black Women Need to Know About Eating Disorders – Carolyn C. Ross M.D., M.P.H.

When Black Girls Don’t Eat: Examining the Silence Surrounding Our Eating Disorders – Kinsey Clarke

Racism and Eating Disorder Diagnosis and Treatment – Ginny Jones

Yes, I experienced a minor lapse in my recovery recently. I do this thing now, with my ED specifically, where I try to reframe the negativity. Groundbreaking, I know. Mind you, this instance wasn’t something I’m looking to repeat anytime soon, so here’s hoping this lesson has well and truly sunk in.

Without going into too much detail, lets just say there was roughly a month of intermittent laxative abuse. I was having some digestive issues and stupidly turned to a familiar remedy, which I then repeated several times. What followed was the hangover from said compensatory behaviour, recurrent mood swings, an awful fight with my bf, some kind of mental breakdown and an unsuccessful visit to the Emergency Room. I was pretty much ignored, largely due to an uncharacteristic inability to advocate for myself. I was there for several hours and the window within which I would remain agreeable was closing. Needless to say, my saint of a bf was frustrated when I ended up emerging from the fog, clocking the inaction of the hospital staff and I begged Mike to take me home. Thankfully, I was back on planet earth the following day.

Having been at the mercy of the public hospital system several times, I was aware of how ill-equipped they were for an individual who presented with a non-violent mental health concern.There’s a lengthy diatribe I’ll save for another post. We’re going to focus on the messy side of my behaviours. I ‘enjoyed’ a pretty dependant relationship with laxatives when I first became ill, despite the process being laborious, painful and inconvenient. I believe that this is why I was able to stop using them. I didn’t want to spend my life chained to a box of pills, organising my time around forced bodily functions. When I did turn to this form of purging, there were times where I’d be lying on the ground, dripping in sweat, amid heart palpitations and horrendous stomach craps. I dreaded that part of the process and lived for the feeling afterwards. That feeling of being empty and something else I couldn’t quite articulate, until now.

While conducting research for another blog post, The Control Fallacy, a relevant insight came up in several research papers. I’m somewhat of a layman as it pertains to neuroscience, but my understanding of it is certainly improving. As I understand it, when an ED sufferer engages in stressful behaviours, their brain rewards them. I had read that self-induced vomiting could illicit a pleasurable sensation, but had never made that connection to my laxative abuse. This could partially explain why so many of us form the particular habits we do while we’re sick, despite how debilitating some of them are. As explained in The Control Fallacy, I strongly believe that this sensation is mistakenly attributed to existing as the ‘control’ that sufferers frequently describe.

Now, this saga ends on a more positive note. I forfeited my laxative collection to my bf the day after my meltdown and later spoke to my psychiatrist about it. He confirmed my revelation about the laxatives and the feeling I was experiencing. I already knew that I couldn’t willingly engage in any of my disordered behaviours if I wanted to achieve full recovery and clearly I just needed a really scary reminder of how damaging this could be. My advice for anyone else who may relate to this, is this: research the neurological underpinnings of this illness. This ‘slip’ could have led to a complete relapse, had I not been mentally prepared. This is what I credit my unprecedented recovery progress with and it is viable empowerment. In addition to any kind of therapy you may already be receiving, of course. Knowledge and learning are powerful adversaries in your battle with this illness and are often only a Google search away.

Further reading:

Altered Brain Reward Circuits in Eating Disorders: Chicken or Egg?

Dysregulation of Brain Reward Systems in Eating Disorders: Neurochemical Information from Animal Models of Binge Eating, Bulimia Nervosa, and Anorexia Nervosa

Oh boy. If you haven’t watched ‘BINGE: The Series’ on YouTube, then consider this your call to arms. While flagged as triggering in some circles, it’s also an unflinchingly raw, relatable account of life with this illness. Let’s face it, the world at large is triggering and I believe in exposure therapy. At some point, we have to start living in this superficial world without allowing everything to set off our insecurities. We have to face the uncomfortable. 

But, I digress. I was OBSESSED with this series when I first saw it in 2017. Maybe it was due to the fact that it heavily mirrored my life at the time. I was promiscuous, drinking heavily, starving myself, abusing diet pills, shopping compulsively and staying up for days at a time. The crazy thing is that these actions felt good to me; my brain was rewarding me for this abject self-destructiveness. That’s what people don’t realise about this behaviour and the rush of pleasure it brings. Unfortunately, you then have to engage in more extreme behaviours in order to illicit this response. 

So yes, I was out of control. That’s how we cope, that’s how we go on, that’s how we exist for years at a time. Doing what we have to in order to introduce small amounts of short-lived chemicals into our depleted, depressed minds. 

This show is a renegade in that it is a messy and uninhibited slice of dark humour that millions of people around the world can relate to.

Praise for BINGE:

It Begins:

Binge: How to Lose Weight in the Apocalypse

Bonus Footage -‘The Exes’:

Interviews with Angela Gulner:

Follow:

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Oh hey, its been a while, let’s jump straight in. For some reason I don’t feel the need for my usual introduction. What can I say? I’m tedious AF and well aware of my propensity to talk too much.

Upon returning to Queensland in April, I remember thinking, ‘screw it, I’m doing this’. I began obsessively listening to Tabitha Farrar’s podcasts and continued to study the effects of malnutrition. Having come to the conclusion that I first needed to undo years of under-eating, I slowly worked myself up to eating roughly 4000 calories a day. My proudest moment was when I began using the Lifesum app to eat as much as humanly possible and my step counter to record my LACK of activity. So rebellious. It was Autumn by this point and thank god it was cool when the night sweats began. Oh lord, they sucked, as did the inevitable weight gain and constant exhaustion. Before my trip to WA I had given up my vegetarian identity and was regularly consuming meat. The cravings were very apparent, to the point where I was consuming several large steaks each week for several months. Mike helped me set up this blog in August, just before my 32nd Birthday. It was a great medium through which I could articulate my struggles, particularly when I couldn’t even bring myself to leave the house on my actual Birthday. I vowed that it would be the last year my eating disorder would dictate whether I was ‘acceptable enough’, and thereby granted permission to celebrate my old-lady status.

By September, I had overshot my set point and began wearing what my illness mockingly referred to as my ‘fat clothes’. These were items that had been roughly 1-2 sizes bigger than my disordered size and I had kept them with the intent of having them taken in. Some of those items grew a little tight, so I purchased some comfier pants and made the commitment to clear out my closet when my weight had stabilised. Luckily, most of my tops still fit, as I’ve always been around the same size above the hips. My appetite began to normalise around then and the intense cravings for certain foods were diminishing. I could actually keep fear foods in the house for longer than a week without the urge to demolish all of it in one sitting. By January, the focus had shifted to other aspects of my life. Namely, to that wretched biological clock. Children had been on the agenda for years and I was freaking out a bit over whether I’d manage before turning 35. This may sound brutal, but it was nice to stress out over something other than calories and how fat I thought I was. Another benefit of my recovery was that I had started using my brain in a more constructive manner and I decided to further my education by enrolling in University.

One of the best moments, and I really don’t care how shallow this seems because my love for clothing is eternal, occurred recently. I finally gathered the nerve to rifle through my closet in late March. To my surprise, many of my clothes still fit. The tiniest pieces were photographed, bagged and sold before the temptation to try them on arose. It was a small victory for me in that I wouldn’t have to procure a a new collection and I was able to sell several items in order to replace others. I had returned to my natural set point without even realising it.  

The four people who actually read my blog are perhaps wondering how I’m dealing with the COVID19 situation. I know one of my stalkers thought a 3:30am phone call the other morning would really endear me to him. I love meth heads with delusions of grandeur. So fun. Anyway, I’ve had some hiccups, mostly in the form of making and eating copious amounts of peanut cookies to the point of nausea, but I haven’t faltered in my recovery. The cookie eating was merely part of a physiological reaction to the stress brought on by the pandemic and the sudden dwindling of resources. I don’t know why I picture the panic-buyers wallpapering their living room with ass paper and drinking hand sanitiser in order to induce that buzz. Anyway, my evolved brain adapted to the increase in my hunger by simply urging me to eat more, so I did. Self-isolation has been tricky for Mike and I think we both miss having alone time, but I do love any excuse to avoid people. My tolerance has improved slightly, but I find the human race to be particularly frustrating. I had a bartending gig lined up prior to this crisis and still have that job to look forward to when this is over. We take daily walks, something I was loath to do until recently, and I spend my time productively. Shockingly, I find myself brainstorming ideas for the blog, managing a recovery Instagram, Facebook page and an affiliated support group. All of which are self-initiated projects I have managed to be consistent with. At the end of the month, I’ll start receiving additional income in the form of welfare payments, so there will be no stressing out over money. Lastly, if you’ve made it this far, I’ve included two pictures below. We all love a good picture reference.

The first is of me in October of 2018, two months before my tentative foray into recovery. The second is a year later on a night out with friends. It took me 10 minutes to pick an outfit, instead of the usual hour. Although I wasn’t yet comfortable in my body, I had started to feel like myself again. With better hair.

Until next time, enjoy not having to deal with idiots on a daily basis.

I had a post planned for NEDA week that may never end up seeing the light of day. I was slightly annoyed with myself for neglecting something I’ve always felt so passionate about. It’s been, ahem, a minute since my last encounter with this blog.

But, fear not, for I had what I like to refer to as a ‘recovery revelation.’ I became aware of the fact that I was less preoccupied with Eating Disorders in general. For the first time in years, I wasn’t seeking out ED related content with the same fervour. No longer was I inclined to dive for my phone following a realisation that I suddenly MUST investigate. Having already observed a similar ‘indifference phase’ during the recovery trajectory in others who have led the way in the ED community, this seemed like a positive development. Of course, that was before an article published by Buzzfeed reignited my purpose.

In the wake of the COVID19 pandemic, I have found myself analysing the actions of the hoarding, panic-buying masses. I’ve concluded that they’re incapable of preventing their survival instincts from taking over. This does not mean that I approve of such deplorable behaviour. I just understand what drives it and why they can’t or wont stop. Anyway, just as I had begun to consider writing about the possible repercussions of a sudden, perceived food scarcity for Eating Disorder sufferers, the article in question appeared on my Facebook feed.

The Coronavirus Outbreak Is “Like A Nightmare” For People With Eating Disorders – Addy Baird

Now, I was beyond pleased that someone highlighted this illness through such a far-reaching publication. I didn’t even mind that the article itself openly endorsed the usual ‘control’ rhetoric that I so heavily disagree with. The excitement lay in the fact that this was finally being addressed, despite the lack of sympathy and usual displays of ignorance in the comment section. Yes, we still have a quite a lot of work to do in terms of educating people about Eating Disorders. But, I swooped into the comment section with my encyclopaedic knowledge and antagonistic saltiness. Some old guy deleted an entire thread after I told him to go and cry into his TV dinner. I’m not even sorry; don’t be rude to my people.

Then, it’s like I remembered why I started this damn blog.

In that moment, the determination I had often felt overwhelmed by came screaming back. I forfeited over a decade of my life to this illness and the thought of anyone else doing the same is unacceptable to me. I felt a deep sense of sadness while I read over the hundreds of comments. We have advantageous personality traits as individuals in the ED realm; intelligence and empathy. Once our brains are re-fed, we are finally capable of utilising those attributes in a positive manner. I desperately wanted full recovery for every individual in that comment section.

Along with re-committing to my blog, I have also decided to start a support page on Facebook. It was only a matter of time, really. Approaching Eating Disorders from a neurobiological perspective has resulted in the most significant progress of my entire recovery. Sharing that information in a bid to support my fellow sufferers is one thing I can do to help combat such a crippling disease. Surrounding myself with like-minded, intelligent individuals is a mere bonus. The author of that article deserves our gratitude for her bravery, as do Buzzfeed for bringing this affliction to light. Message received, universe.

Happy 32nd to me.

So…several of my birthdays have been blighted by this illness. In fact, the clearest memories I have relate to my ED and how much a part of my life it was at the time. How thin I was, how I looked in my outfit, whatever dangerous measures I was taking to keep my weight down at the time. This year was no exception. I may be attempting to recover but that doesn’t mean the war in my head isn’t raging on.

Fourteen years of this bullshit; every birthday a harsh reminder of the fact that I was still consumed by this illness. I’m not the high maintenance type. At all. In fact, I enjoy bragging about my ability to get ready in twenty minutes or less. If only this were still the case. My Body Dysmorphia is the worst it has ever been. Three hours in front of the mirror and I couldn’t bring myself to leave the house. My boyfriend had made dinner plans for us yet in my mind I was too hideous for people to lay their eyes upon. I couldn’t even celebrate getting older with the one person who loves me unconditionally. On second thought, this post should be titled ‘Things I Have Allowed My ED to Suck the Joy Out of.’

This year, I’ll be celebrating my birthday, not bemoaning the size of my thighs. Recovery is the best present I can give to myself.